Recently I visited my extended family. It was a wonderful trip and I learned much about my roots, my cousins, my aunts and my immediate family. More importantly I learned what makes me happy. I guess I have grown up somewhere along the way... because there was a time when I put my happiness on other people. This is something that I see time and time again with my patients, and in my own family. I don't know if it is the society we live in, or the way we are raised. We are taught that our happiness comes from our partner, our family, our job, our status, our children. What is missing here... where does MYSELF fit in the picture?
First: Why should I expect happiness form myself when I can get is form so many other things in life?
When we put our happiness on external things, you may never really feel satisfied. "When I get the car then I will be ok, When I have the $$$$ then I can do all the things I wanted to, When I have a partner then I will be complete, When ______ treats me better then I will be happy" All this sounds really good, and it will make you happy... for a while. However, that place inside will not be satisfied. It happens a lot, you get what you want you are happy for a short amount of time. Then you start to feel this unrest in your body or your mind. It starts to make you doubt things, be depressed, be anxious. It starts to eat you up inside. The only thing to make it go away is if you get ___________ (fill in the blank). And so the cycle continues.
Second: Happiness is only obtainable when...
It is always obtainable right now. Gratitude is key. It will let you appreciate all the wonderful things in your life. Even right now if you stop and think of 10 things you are grateful for, you will instantly feel lighter, more free, happier. When you are feeling anxious, angry or worried try smiling, listening to good music, breathing all the way down to your belly. All these tools are a good way to change your mood. For the longest time I wouldn't even let myself do this because I was addicted to being angry and sad. Is this you? There is this myth that we must be at a certain place/ level/ status in life to get happiness. We all know myths are not true. When you have gratitude it leads to inner joy, which you will share with others. It becomes contagious, other people feel good about themselves and pass it on. And so the cycle continues.
Third: I will be happy when he/she changes....
This is the hardest to understand. Sometimes in our life things are so bad with anther individual, that if they would only change, then your life would be so happy. Remember that nobody has the power to change someone else, that is what free will is about. When you stop trying to change someone else.... lets explore that for a sec. That means not interfering in their life, giving them "advice" but being angry if they don't take it, expecting them to act a certain way, be a certain way, basically allowing their actions to affect your own happiness. The thing is you always have a choice whom you call in your life. Even if it is your family/ partner/boss.... you always have a choice. How do you want to deal with it? You have the power, and when you choose action over reaction you will understand just how much power one individual has. An incident happened on my trip... I chose to be gracious and loving instead of angry when I was hurt. And the result was amazing. Although the situation did not change, I did. Something in me shifted forever. I realized I am my own master. And with each new challenge I choose my happiness, by using love, acceptance, and compassion for myself and others. And this cycle will continue.
